MEMO

TO: Middle managers
FROM: Brewster Munson
SUBJECT: Nostril Penetration

Recent analysis of the Employee Video Monitoring System has brought to light a disturbing and unprofessional behavior on the part of some of our employees.

It seems that thirteen percent of observed employees practice occasional or repeated cleaning of the interior surfaces of their nostils. Although this practice takes place in the "privacy" of an individual's cubicle, it nevertheless reduces productivity and contributes to a growing solid waste disposal problem.

Middle managers are therefore asked to implement the following practices:

• Use your next staff meeting to announce a new policy: effective immediately, boxes of facial tissues must be removed from desktops and placed in closed drawers. (If pressed, explain that the policy has to do with fire safety.) Tissue use will be limited to the employee's break time, and only in a restroom. Employees with colds or allergies will be asked to practice "sneeze abstinence."
• Announce that management has terminated an employee for inhaling powdered cocaine. Explain that this practice causes the drug addict's nasal passages to become "itchy," and causes the addict to repeatedly touch the inside of the nostrils.
• "Reassure" your employees that you have no suspicions of drug use by them, but that you have been asked to be on the lookout for suspicious behavior, such as nose penetration. (Note: quarterly drug testing policies will remain in effect.)

With these simple precautions, we expect to significantly reduce or eliminate this disgusting behavior.

If you do encounter an employee with a persistent nasal penetration problem, simply forward the employee's name to our new Nostril Penetration Task Force Manager, Booker J. Washington.