MEMO

TO: All managers
FROM: Brewster Munson
SUBJECT: Holiday Terminology

Once again, it's the time of the year when our thoughts turn to the human element of our great business enterprise.

In the last week, our e-mail monitoring system has detected more than 1000 uses of the words "Christmas," "holiday," and "happy." Although some use of these terms may be appropriate (e.g. "I will be happy to donate my Christmas holiday to the company in order to finish my project.") some clearly are not. 

I need not remind you that the company e-mail system is not to be used for personal messages. Instead, I will bring you up to date on the activities of the Terminology Subcommittee of the Executive Committee.  For months now, the subcommittee has been working on an acceptable holiday greeting, one that can be used with persons of all faiths and nationalities.

We began with the understanding that no individual has the right to inflict his/her personal belief system on another.  With lawsuits increasing, we must look for new ways to express ourselves without generating opportunities for litigation. 

Of course, we considered an outright ban on holiday greeting messages.  After some debate, we realized that some recognition of the various holiday events was necessary.

However, many of the existing phrases present problems:

Merry Christmas: This traditional phrase should be at the top of everyone's Don't Use list.  Although we look upon the Christmas season with excitement (last year's sales accounted for 68% of the Retail division's profit), we cannot risk giving offense to non-Christians. In fact, some religious groups have complained that the word "merry" implies the consumption of alcohol, and so the phrase is doubly offensive.

Happy Hanukkah: Even if one is sure the recipient is of the Jewish faith, this phrase has a high potential for mis-spelling, and thus offense.

Season's Greetings: This phrase is an early attempt to avoid complaints, but it has caused more problems than it solves.  People in California and other temperate climates are confused by the reference to "seasons," and some religious groups complain that it omits a reference to a specific holiday.

Happy Holidays: Recently, this phrase has come under attack by a group calling itself DIAL, for Depressed Individuals Against Levity.  These unfortunate individuals have had traumatic holiday experiences, or suffer seasonal or holiday-related depression.  DIAL estimates that one person in 35,000 suffers from this condition, and has threatened lawsuits for the use of the term.  Thus, we are adding the phrase to the e-mail monitoring watch list.

Fortunately, the Terminology Subcommittee has been able to utilize the latest in computerized phrase generation to solve this problem.  After reviewing the output of 3600 generated phrases, the subcommittee has found an acceptable, and I think "catchy", phrase for holiday use.

So, in keeping with the warmest traditions of the season, let me be the first to wish you all...

Beneficial Occurrences

We're very excited about this new phrase, because it can actually be used year-round, with any cultural grouping.  The word Beneficial can apply to business and individuals alike, and Occurrences can refer to business events or, subtly, holiday celebrations.  In the words of one of our lawyers, "We can have our blend of baked proprietary ingredients and eat it too."

So in closing, I will wish you all a productive and profitable quarter and Beneficial Occurrences!