ASCII: The sound made by a sneezing computer, i.e. one with a virus.
BATCH PROCESSING: A technique for altering and losing large numbers of computer records in one operation.
COMPUTER CRIME: An assault performed by a hacker, as opposed to a slasher.
DOMAIN NAME: A humiliating pseudonym assigned to a customer by a domainatrix.
E-MAIL: Short for Ethereal Mail, a means of communicating with spirits (as opposed to celebrating with spirits).
FLASH MEMORY: The recollections of an exhibitionist.
GRAMMAR CHECKER: A program that examines a writer's text for sins and recommends the correct syntax.
HELP DESK: A place you call when your computer breaks and you want to know what the weather is like in India.
INTERNET: A source of infinite knowledge, a collection of useless and inaccurate information, a pornocopia of smut.
JOYSTICK: A device for controlling children by means of a computer.
KINDLE: An e-book reader that uses “e-paper,” i.e. paper than cannot be used to make an airplane.
LOW LEVEL LANGUAGE: Expressions used when the computer breaks.
MEMORY STICK: What happens when you can't get a commercial jingle out of your mind.
NETIQUETTE: Online manners for people who have no offline social skills.
ONLINE DATING: A blind date arranged by a computer that knows less about you than your sister.
PROXY SERVER: An replacement server who takes your order while your server goes on break.
RAM: One of a pair of hideous flying reptiles from the 1951 Japanese monster movie Ram and Rom Stomp Kyoto.
SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE: 1. A website that answers the burning question, “What are my friends doing instead of working?” 2. Computer-aided narcissism.
TREE STRUCTURE: A logical system for computer programming that gives rise to such expressions as, “up a tree” and “out on a limb.”
UTILITIES: Monopolies that use sophisticated computers to produce errors in phone, gas, and electric bills.
VOICE RECOGNITION: The ability of a dog, cat, or computer to recognize its master's voice. Dogs and computers recognize voices and respond in a pre-programmed manner; cats recognize voices and ignore them.
WWW: One of the words used in a Field Sobriety Test.
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