Brian Dean Humor

A Sample from Ram and Rom Stomp Kyoto

Ram and Rom Stomp Kyoto cover

ASCII:  The sound made by a sneezing computer, i.e. one with a virus.

BATCH PROCESSING:  A technique for altering and losing large numbers of computer records in one operation.

COMPUTER CRIME:  An assault performed by a hacker, as opposed to a slasher.

DOMAIN NAME:  A humiliating pseudonym assigned to a customer by a domainatrix.

E-MAIL:  Short for Ethereal Mail, a means of communicating with spirits (as opposed to celebrating with spirits).

FLASH MEMORY:  The recollections of an exhibitionist.

GRAMMAR CHECKER:  A program that examines a writer's text for sins and recommends the correct syntax.

HELP DESK:  A place you call when your computer breaks and you want to know what the weather is like in India.

INTERNET:  A source of infinite knowledge, a collection of useless and inaccurate information, a pornocopia of smut.

JOYSTICK:  A device for controlling children by means of a computer.

KINDLE:  An e-book reader that uses “e-paper,” i.e. paper than cannot be used to make an airplane.

LOW LEVEL LANGUAGE:  Expressions used when the computer breaks.

MEMORY STICK:  What happens when you can't get a commercial jingle out of your mind.

NETIQUETTE:  Online manners for people who have no offline social skills.

ONLINE DATING:  A blind date arranged by a computer that knows less about you than your sister.

PROXY SERVER:  An replacement server who takes your order while your server goes on break.

RAM:  One of a pair of hideous flying reptiles from the 1951 Japanese monster movie Ram and Rom Stomp Kyoto.

SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE:  1. A website that answers the burning question, “What are my friends doing instead of working?” 2. Computer-aided narcissism.

TREE STRUCTURE:  A logical system for computer programming that gives rise to such expressions as, “up a tree” and “out on a limb.”

UTILITIES:  Monopolies that use sophisticated computers to produce errors in phone, gas, and electric bills.

VOICE RECOGNITION:  The ability of a dog, cat, or computer to recognize its master's voice. Dogs and computers recognize voices and respond in a pre-programmed manner; cats recognize voices and ignore them.

WWW:  One of the words used in a Field Sobriety Test.

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