Brian Dean Humor

A Sample from LOL Limericks

LOL Limericks book cover

A meteorologist, Wade,
Says, “Of all of the forecasts I've made,
Most were good — quite exact,
And the comforting fact,
Is that, when I am wrong, I'm still paid.”

What a troublesome bug is the gnat,
He will fly through the vents in your ghat,
If you're camping and doze,
He will fly up your nose,
'Til you sneeze him, and gthat will be gthat.

A driving instructor, Bob Morse,
Teaches teens in a safe driving course,
When the kids take the wheel,
Every scream, gasp, and squeal,
Comes from Bob, 'til his voice gets too hoarse.

I went to the zombie cafe,
It was windowless, musty, and gray,
Just one look at the menu,
Made me want to change venue,
For a brain was the Catch of the Day.

A young man with allergies, Grant,
Wants to work in his town, but he can't,
For his sneezing, quite stunning,
Takes him out of the running,
For a job at the dynamite plant.

I took pity on street crazy Mel,
So I gave him an obsolete cell,
Now his rambling orations,
Sound like phone conversations,
And most people think he is well.

A pirate named Peg Leg McGee,
Vanquished foes in great battles at sea,
But on land he took rest,
Near a large termite nest,
And he's now simply known as McGee.

The birth papers for Allen Jay Fink,
Were made out with impermanent ink,
Now this next part is weird,
When the ink disappeared,
So did Al — he was gone in a blink.

A Mafia hit man, Moe Brown,
Stalks his victims while dressed like a clown,
“It's a poifect disguise,
And the hit's a surprise,
I hate leaving a stiff wit a frown.”

A frustrated gardener named Sean
Battled gophers that lived in his lawn,
Bought a huge Anaconda,
(Brought it home in his Honda),
And by Tuesday...the mailman was gone!

A woodpecker breeder named Finn,
Built a hatchery made out of tin,
When the chicks reached two weeks,
They went wild with their beaks,
And the breeder went deaf from the din.

A raisin producer, McFee,
Dries his grapes on great tarps by the sea,
“After family and wife,
Doing this is my life,
It's my raisin d'etre, don't you see.”

A punster has no kind of shame,
He will smile at a pun that is lame,
He'll present them in sets,
Like a man with Tourette's,
And then cheerfully bask in the blame.

I have never seen such blazing heat,
That hot sun is just cooking my meat,
I'd escape, go inside,
But the asphalt is fried,
And my sneakers are stuck to the street.

A bird-loving dentist named Ruth,
Found a new way to take out a tooth,
Billy Bob, her Macaw,
Plucks it out of the jaw,
A procedure some think is uncouth.

An Arapaho shaman named Tom,
Forecasts weather with skill and aplomb,
“I watch water and air,
I observe Brother Bear,
Then I log on to”

In his Santa suit, Charlie DeVry,
Climbed down chimneys, avoiding small fry,
His career as a thief,
Was predictably brief,
His disguise didn't work in July.

A charming young sadist named Ray,
Took a job with the great TSA,
He makes passengers strip,
Tasers those who give lip,
And in general enjoys every day.

Every winter a woman named Rose,
Builds a house out of ice, with a hose,
There she sleeps on fur pelts,
'Til the spring, when it melts,
It's a lifestyle she likes, I suppose.

Terry Higgins bought meat by the lb.
And he shared it at lunch with his hb.
Then they walked for a mi.
'Til the hb. made a pi.
Just to prove his digestion was sb.

A nice older fellow named Dunn,
Has a hand that is shaped like a gun,
If he points in a bank,
Teller's faces go blank,
And the customers panic and run.

A helpful young pilot named Bret,
Chases birds with his twin-engine jet,
“Through the engines they glide,
Coming out plucked and fried,
They're the meals first class passengers get.”

In the future, the worst kind of crime,
Will be working the streets as a mime,
If you paint your face white,
They'll arrest you on sight,
An example of justice sublime.

At the zoo, where the bears have a lair,
There is one that requires great care,
He'll be happy, then scary,
He makes zookeepers wary,
For old Ralph is a bi-polar bear.

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