Brian Dean Humor

The IBIS Back Scratching System

A Brief History of Back Scratching

Since the first cave dweller asked his mate for a back scratch, directions for this vital task have been inadequate.

As language developed, "Ook, ugh, agh" became "A little to the right," but directions remained vague for most of human history.

In ancient Egypt, a special caste of high priests searched for a foolproof technique for scratching the Pharaoh's back. These priests invented the back scratcher, but accuracy was still a problem.

Tut and scratcher

This painting shows King Tutankhamun being scratched by his Ka.  The inscription translates to, "Relieve the Great One; a little to the right." A hyroglyph of a back scratcher appears at the far left.

Until recently, back scratching remained a difficult and frustrating task. In spite of advances in communication, and laser-accurate measurement, we still can't define "a little to the right." With stress mounting, people needed a system that takes the guesswork out of scratching.

Introducing IBIS

After years of development and laboratory studies, we are pleased to announce IBIS, the International Back Scratching Indexing System.

IBIS takes the guesswork out of giving and following directions. It is a simple system that assures satisfaction with a minimum of training.

back grid

IBIS divides the back into a grid of scratching zones. The zones ensure accurate communication between the scratchee and the scratcher.

There are three basic scratching moves, with three degrees of pressure:



Left-right movement, gentle rub (no nails)




Circular movement, medium pressure




Up-down movement, hard pressure

Using IBIS

  1. The scratchee and the scratcher stand facing the IBIS coordinate chart.
  2. The scratchee calls out a location, along with movement and pressure directions. For example, "2C, left-right, medium."
  3. The scratcher uses the chart to find the correct area on the scratchee's back. Scratching continues until the scratchee changes location or indicates satisfaction.
IBIS logo

Finally, mankind's dream of a really satisfying back scratch has become a reality. With a little practice, you and your partner can enjoy a pleasure denied kings and Pharaohs.

Be gentle.

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