A Handy Emergency Checklist

Bad things happen all the time. One minute, you're all comfy, watching TV, and the next minute your neighborhood is the subject of a Special Bulletin.

You need to be prepared when IT happens, because IT will be nasty or, at the very least, messy. So, watch for IT, hoard supplies for IT, and prepare for IT with this checklist.

• Angry Letters to Authorities   You won't be able to phone them when IT happens, so send your letters to Hawaii, where your congressman will be on a "fact-finding mission."
• First Aid Kit   Make sure your kit includes supplies and instructions for open-heart surgery.
• Howitzer   Since most Americans own automatic weapons, you'll need something bigger to keep those angry mobs away.
• Large Fan and Video Camera   So you can record what happens when IT hits the fan.
• Flare Gun   You've always wanted one of these, right?  Use the flare gun to attract TV news crews, get a free helicopter ride.
• Pith Helmet and Clipboard   Use these to look more official (or dorky, depending on your neighborhood).
• James Bond Jetpack   Use this for flying over traffic jams or angry mobs.
• Large Machete   This will make you feel Macho, and nobody will mess with you (unless they have a howitzer).
• Good Nutritious Food   Forget about it — it's not sold in stores, and your stomach couldn't handle real food anyway. Buy lots of junk in cans, and cross out the expiration dates.
• Spot Remover   Because IT will get messy.
• Bottled Spring Water   In case IT upsets the water supply. NOTE: city dwellers should remember that pure spring water may taste odd or cause stomach pains.  To simulate city water, add a rusty nail, some dirt (for color), and any dead insect.
• Binoculars   Use these to see the giant asteroid, not mentioned on TV because of all the IT stories. When government experts begin telling the public the asteroid won't hit the Earth, start digging that underground shelter.
• Pet Food   Be sure to buy a flavor that appeals to you, in case it comes down to you or Fluffy.